Archive for July, 2011

Locker Number 49

Feelings. Feeling is very broad word and I’ve tried to understand the primary concept of feelings. Feelings are emotions aroused by the sensations around us. The state of being sad, happy, bored, anxious, excited. So, in short, they are related to heart. Definitely not medically but emotionally, yes. They belong to the condition what happens around. Like the feeling of a foot ball fan when his team scores a goal, or the feeling of despair when a loved one leaves you. One thing i have noticed about the feelings. Once you feel them, you can’t take them back. Once you fell in love with somebody, you can’t change it. It is possible that later on, you changed your mind. But you can’t just go into the past and erase that feeling, never. It always is and always will be there.

These days i’ve been going through a lot of feelings. So deep that it made me think about them deeply. Everyday on the bus stop, on the subway station .. i see people and I see them, i try to read them. All of them are carrying the ocean of feelings with them, and yet what they show is beyond. Some of them carrying dreams, some of them carrying hopes and some of them carrying regrets. I count myself in those people who take along a part of everything. desperately looking for a chance, one chance, one more chance, one last chance to make things better. I’m no different from them. We are all the same. We breathe the same air, we walk the same earth, the only sun lightens our paths and the same moon gives the serene light.

I came in this country with the dreaming of becoming something. I was following a path but i didn’t knew it would lead me where i wanted to go. it’s been seven long months and i have realized that i have lost a lot of things on that path, and still unknown of the fact that where it would lead me. Event management was my craze and here I’m helping other people to organize their events. And i’m so below in this hierarchy that mostly i’m not mentioned. I pull table and chair and stages to help them set the event floor. And once they are done, i push them back, and go home. And i earn 2% of the total income is earned in an event. My college, isn’t like i thought it would be. I don’t feel like i’m in international college. I don’t even go to college anymore. Just once a week.

Dream that i have that I’ll be owning at least a part of an Event management company or working at a position that is visible in the hierarchy chart of the company. waiting for a sign or the clue that can change the life. Like they say America, or London, or Karachi or Mumbai … where most of the people travel thinking that this ist he land of opportunity and this is the place where dreams come true. Kuala Lampur is one of them. Yes it is. But at the same time i also believe that life rarely gives you chances. Most of the time in life, you have to take chances. Either you win or you learn. win-win. So i’ve convinced my self that it’s okay to make mistakes, because this is how you’ll learn it and master the things that you never knew in the first place.

Hope, that someday i’ll get a hint, a sign a chance. A person who’d walk to me and talk to me and would gimme a chance. The place i work, i’m not entitled to talk as much as listen and do. The uniform I wear takes from me all my pride and my personality. Everyday in the locker room when i change my clothes and put the uniform on, I tell my self that not only the clothes but i’m keeping my pride, my ego, my honor and my respect, for that matter, in this locker. And at the end of the when you finish work and get back to your clothes, and the feeling that comes into you … You feel it that you were not the person in that uniform that you’re now. The way you walk the steps makes you feel the difference. That uniform forbids me to take chances. I can’t do it, i see the chances but i cant’ take them. I’m helpless, defenseless. I’m not the person in the uniform, i don’t know him. I can’t operated him, he is operated by outside forces. My heart and my soul are locked in locker number 49 for 14 hours a day 5 days a week. One day i go to college and one day i sleep. This is Kuala Lampur. The city with Twin Towers. Where people live twin personalities.

Regret of loosing my friends my loved ones.. One of the greatest feeling alive in this world is when you work hard all the day, no mater under what circumstances, at the end of the day you back home. Not the house, Home. Home Sweet Home. Where you know your parents will greet you. They would have prepared meal for you, so that you don’t have to check your pocket every evening for the meal. If the meal is cold, they will microwave it for you. And you’ll tell them things about today that happened to you. People that made you happy and disappointed you. And you comment on them and you start a conversation while eating your meal. And you’d know after meal you’ll have a good conversation with your siblings. They are so certain that you’d never think about them. It’s like breathing an other breathe. You know you’d breath it but you’d never think about it. The comfort of your own bed. your own gadgets. and your loved ones just a call away, a click away, waiting for you. And thus ends your day. This is what I have lost. And it’s gone. I don’t know when i comeback will it be the same again. The greatest things in this world are for free, like family, friendship, love. But we always take them for granted and opt for things that hardly matter. The Money, power, fame.

I’m not the person I used to be. In fact, that person is still inside me, but he is in coma. soulless. Keep loosing things like that, and i’m not sure i’ll be able to make him alive, or at least can hope that someone from past will come and spell the spell of new evolution in me. I wish.

After a long time today, a greatest friend of mine wrote me back. And i was happy. But i was laughing at myself too. I have travelled 8000 Miles over the sea to another country to achieve something. And thing that makes me happy is something i always had in me. The greatest mates. We thought, the soul mates. What is a soul mate? I believe, it’s a best friend actually. The only person who knows you better than anyone else in this world, someone who makes you a better person, who gives you pride and glory. Actually you try you best to be a better person with them, because they inspire you. Soul mate is someone who cares for you forever. He is a person who knew you and accepted you and believed you before anyone else did. And no mater what they are always gonna be with you, and that feeling, you can never change that. And you think over and over whether we are couple or friends, and that debate is long going and at last you decide to be the person you are. But you become We. And you feel things between. But you are never sure. Sometimes they feel wrong and sometimes right, but they are always there. Once in a while it keeps happening. And you believe that nothing is gonna change that, not the people not the world, nothing. On the contrary, people make homes, decorate them, bring furniture into in, paint it with their favorite colors, invite neighbors to see, try to make it a home a family. But one big disaster, that the rest away. And what remains are the only thoughts, and feelings. Feelings, they never die. You can’t change them. They are always there. Always. “